I know it’s been quite long since I wrote a blog about anything, when in reality everything has been happening.

Lets start with the fact my marriage is falling apart, and seperation in eminent. Leaving me, a mother of three, without a job, to make all sorts of decisions I never thought I’d make. Right now we’re “working” on things, but how well does that ever go? I’m not optimistic.

School has kept me VERY busy as well. This is good, it provides me with an escape from the stress here at home. I have to take medicine to sleep, to stop being depressed, and for anxiety.

I have never been this crapped up.

So if anyone out there actualy reads my blogs, I’m sorry for the long long delay in the next. I’m trying just now to catch up on all my writing (plus it’s exam week).

Mike Doughty….

                  ”Rising Sign”

your back curves like a creeping vine
with the answers in the fluid in the stem of the spine
in the black-coffee bowl of your eye
why do you overestimate the size of the lie?

i’ve seen
the dangers of
your rising sign
but i swear
i’d like
to drink the fuel straight from your lighter
it’s all inside the wrist, it’s
all inside the way you time it
i resent the way you make me like myself

my nerves jump
like a boiling pan
like a skillet full of oil spits,
rattling on the burner
when i stumble onto the thought
of the match you lit and dropped and set the
dial to slow yearn
 I see the dangers

of your rising sign

but I swear I’d like to drink the fuel

straight from your lighter.

It’s all inside the wrist

It’s all inside the way you time it

I resent the way you make me like myself.

can i spell it out?
should i spell it out?

I resent the way you make me like myself.

Just because I am bisexual, and your friend does not mean I am at your every bicurious wish. ONCE again, I had a friend tell me they want to hook up with me. And seriously, gross. Do I want to hear how comfortable you’ll be with me when we do it. We’re SO not doin’ it! Why do you assume I ‘m gonna “do it” with you JUST because I like girls?! And *knock knock* I’m married!!!! And if I decide to date a girl, she’s not going to be from my “friend” pool.

I’m tellin’ you women, are just like men. Pervy, assuming, and expectant. I’m sorry people if I have to hear another friend tell me they want their first bicurious time to be with  me, I’m gonna scream. Just start screaming and never stop.

Seriously.

Damn.

Just stop.

Developer Builds Around Woman’s Home
Tuesday, October 2, 2007 9:57 PM EDT
The Associated Press

SEATTLE (AP) — When 86-year-old Edith Macefield refused a $1 million offer to move from her Seattle home, a developer started building a five-story project around it.

Macefield said that she doesn’t need the money and that she doesn’t want to move from her home, where she has lived since 1966. A concrete wall looms within feet of her kitchen window as the project rises.

Macefield’s 108-year-old house is the last home on the block near the Ballard bridge.Macefield said that she doesn’t mind the noise of the construction site.

Construction workers watch out for Macefield, particularly superintendent Barry Martin who says it’s like having your grandmother around.

I got girls who have had my back for years, and some who have had my back from distances,  only minutes, and only cyber miles. I am forever greatful they put up with my shit on any level, and they aren’t afraid to give me some credit for being a decent human too.

These women play it classy when I blunt mouth gets out of control.

Some let me corrupt them from ages 12-20.

They’ll be MY designated driver.

They can appreciate a random “Sandman” post card via snail mail.

Drive us everwhere, every time, because I drive a huge truck that eats gas. 

I say “I would love to have that book” and it’s on my doorstep in under three days.

They “Get” my sarcastic, analytical attitude . 

Let ME do her hair, hurt her scalp and still think I’m rad. 

Oh My God they leave me benign emails with subject lines like ,”Big Penis’s and Tight Asses”  and inside the email is a link to Amazon.

I love these ladies. You know who you are. All of you ladies, be good to each-other. We’re a species with immense strengths. We should use them, and stop being petty to one another. That shit makes me mad.

Thanks girls. For being fucking fabulous!!!!

“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don’t want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.”

~Unknown

…on my weekend. Ugh. Ok. Well so my husband and I were invited to a birthday party of a friend of ours on Saturday night. I did not really want to go (I’m ALWAYS designated driver, sometimes I wish I drank!), but I went anyway. Something about “lets get a sitter overnite” I can’t refuse. So we go, and at 2 in the morning as I’m getting ready to put the truck in gear, the brake line bursts and the peddle goes all the way doooown to the floor! A ginormous puddle of brake fluid puddles up under the truck and we’re officialy stuck. I don’t want to be stuck, at 2am with a bunch of drunk asses. Luckily, our very good friends let us take their truck home. So we made it home, and we have to have the truck towed to the mechanic today, and tomorrow I get to scrub their driveway. Not because they requested it, but because you should have seen that puddle!

Sunday we spent the day trying to figure out why we are at eachothers throats non-stop lately. It’s not fun, and after 11 years, it gets scary when we fight like that. We got a lot of stuff out, and hopefully understood. We’ve gotten along quite well since our talk. I think we both agree it’s stress. General life sucking stress.

Yesterday my in laws had their Labor Day pool party, I went grocery shopping with my mom though. I’m not into swimming, and we need stuff to pack in the kids lunch. AND I got home early enough Nathan and the kids we still gone and Amanda got some time to herself. Much much much needed time.

So today is just another day. I have to get the truck in the shop, Arden’s hair cut, and put a beef roast in the oven. Fun stuff, huh?

Okay well this Beatnik mom, needs some more interesting adventures doesnt she? lol

FAT.

Not a word I can say I ever used to describe myself. Pierce used to tell me I was fat when I was pregnant with Rowan, which I thought was funny given that I actualy was pretty large. But other than that I have always been in what I considered “good shape”. I used to be die hard martial artist, working out hard, 4 times a week, fighting once a week, and praticing at home as much as  I could. Then I broke my ankle, and no longer have the mobility to do TaeKwonDo anymore. And in April I stopped smoking.

And I got real soft. I’ve gained about 20 lbs. Thats a lot. It feels like a lot.

My daughter told me I was “getting fat” this morning. It really stung. She was not trying to be mean, she was being honest.  I was putting on my shirt and she just said…”Wow, mom you’re getting so fat!” . 

Now I do yoga, and sit ups, and maybe I don’t remember or have time to do it every night but I’m not some coach potato either. I walks what seems to me like miles from one building on campus to another, and I run after kids that can best be described as “extremely active”. 

I’d still rather be 20lbs heavier than have my kids clothes smell like smoke, or spend $60. a week in cigarettes. And I’ve never been one for diets, or diet pills.  So I guess I’ll keep trying my stupid yoga, and sit ups. And hope that they eventualy work, although it’s been at least two months of doing it and if anything I’ve gained more weight.

So I’m bummed out.

It’s going to be like 103F again today. I can not wait until fall.

And I’m not well, I had a diverticulitus episode last night and I feel like shit still today.

I have an appointment with and advisor today to get things set up for the transfer to the BA program at NKU ( evidently you have to set that crap up right away). I hope to also get my core requirements figured out, and complain about the dumb math prof that made me even less intelligent than before I failed his class.

Obscure fact: Engineers should not teach math below Trig. Just sayin’.

Ick. Okay this pity party is officialy over.

Just feel isolated, and lonely?

Men know nothing about women.